Things We Don't Talk About Anymore
by Cinty
Summary: Story of friendship and love and the things you stop saying.
1. Chapter 1

This story popped in my head on vacation (because doesn't everyone write fanfiction in their head on vacation?). I'm not sure where I'm going with it yet. Review if you want more!

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I want to run. I can feel the wind in my hair, streaking behind me as I run.

Jack's boyfriend Adam takes my hand as he examines my ring for the 500th time. "Have you thought about bridesmaid dresses yet?"

The room is spinning a bit. Whatever Jen's mom has put in these drinks is a potent combination, at least combined with anxiety.

"Because," Adam continued animatedly "I'd recommend letting the girls pick their own dresses in all the same color. You should try Priscilla's on Boston. I hear.."

"Why do you know so much about weddings," Jack interrupts. I'm not sure if his disturbed look is due to his boyfriend's wedding knowledge, or the fact that Jack knows I want to bolt and do not want to be talking wedding yet.

"How do you not? Don't make me revoke your gay card again," Adam teases.

I finish the contents of my drink while they banter about weddings.

"I'm off for another" I say even though neither of them are paying attention to me. I make my way through the crowd back to the kitchen where Jen's mother is making drinks. She's flirting with some guy we went to highschool with, Paul, bending over so he can get a full view of her ample cleavage. I wonder how Jen feels about her mom partying with us, her body squeezed into tiny clothes. I guess I'll just add it to the list of things we don't talk about anymore.

I can feel his presence before I've spotted him across the room. By the time he makes his way to me we've already had an entire conversation with our eyes. I feel his hand briefly on my lower back as he softly whispers "meet me outside by the pool in five". He continues by me as if we haven't spoken at all.

Jen's mom hands me another drink. "Look at that rock" she moans as I reach out to take the solo cup. "You hang on to him, don't do anything foolish". A smile covers her face but her words have a sharp edge to them. I nod, embarrassed by her words, her attention, her cleavage.

I see Jen talking in the corner with a friend. For the briefest of moments I forget and start to walk towards her. And then it all hits me like a ton of bricks,a distinctly sharp weight in my chest. I turn abruptly to head out of the room; to go find Pacey.

It's chilly outside and no one else is out back by the pool. Pacey is sitting in the outdoor chaise lounge chair, drink in hand, smile on face. I slide next to him, careful to make sure my body doesn't touch his.

"You haven't bolted yet.. Are you thinking about it?" He teases as he reaches out for my hand. He touches the ring gently. "It suits you," he declares confidently.

"Thank you," I mumble, taking a gulp of the drunk juice Jen's mom has made me.

"You look amazing tonight," he says, his eyes scanning my body. "Are your boobs bigger?"

I laugh and lean in closer to him. "It's a new push up bra, glad to hear it's doing it's job."

He eyes me appreciatively. "It's doing something alright."

"You've got a little drool right here Pace," I tease indicating to the side of my mouth.

I take another sip of my drink, knowing full well I should stop. Everything is spinning, and I instantly recognize that i am drunk. The kind of drunk that makes you say things you shouldn't.

I'm reminded of a night spent with Jen freshman year. It was snowing and we were trapped in my dorm room. After Jen mixed us similar drinks to this, she talked me into smoking my roommate's pot. We laid on the floor, holding hands and talking. We told each other everything. I told her I loved her and that she had seen my soul. A moment she would tease me about for years to come. And while it was a wonderful joke between us it was also a wonderful truth… Before…

"Joey," Pacey begins, the smile disappearing from his face. "I can't believe you said yes. I can't believe that ring is on your finger."

I take a deep breath before I speak the words I'm dying to say, "Speaking of… Why aren't you wearing yours?"


	2. Chapter 2

Is anyone reading this one? Leave me some feedback if you are!

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He glances down at his left hand and shrugs. "You know I'm not really the jewelry type potter."

"I'm not sure I know what type you are anymore" I say tightly. And as I say it, I realize just how passionately I mean it. I don't know what type he is anymore, I haven't for years.

"Don't give me that. Don't marry him Jo," he begs, his eyes sincere.

"Even if I don't… It doesn't change the fact that you're already married," I remind him gently. Because he seems to forget this. Frequently.

He looks down at his drink for a moment before raising earnest eyes to mine. "I could end it? You've always had the power to ask me to end it."

"You wouldn't hurt Jen like that," I say, unable to keep my disappointment from my voice.

I can see the pain in his eyes as he softly whispers, "I would… For you."

Suddenly aware he is still holding onto my hand, I snatch it away. "I couldn't do that to her," I say fiercely.

He turns so his leg is touching mine. "She did it to you first."

"Yes, because you had no active roll when you tumbled into bed with my best friend."

"I know I did," he says, slumping his body. "I thought you'd already left me. When you came home for the funeral, you were glowing and wouldn't let me touch you, I knew this time was different. When I tried to talk to you, you told me Jen was the priority."

"For the record, I meant you were supposed to make sure she wasn't sad about grams, not fuck her," I interrupt harshly as I pull my leg back from his.

"You guys just went all back to your lives, leaving me and Jen here. And all I could think about was how happy you'd looked. Do you know how hard it is to see the person you love glowing and knowing it isn't because of you."

"I watched you get married pacey," I remind him, blinking away the tears I can feel forming.

"And was I glowing?" He asks tightly.

I shake my head, a cross between no and I don't know. But we both know the answer. We both know that Doug asked me to leave because my presence was distracting the groom. We both know that he looked like he was going to throw up the entire day and that he made eye contact with me more times than was acceptable during the ceremony.

"I thought you'd stop me," he sighs miserably.

"Then you shouldn't have chosen my best friend," I reply bitterly.

We both lay back again the chair, as if we've spoken all the words we have left. There is a half inch space separating our bodies, and then ever so slightly his pinkie crosses our imaginary divider. He presses his pinkie again mine, sending waves of pleasure up my body. How is it that this one simple touch seems like an act of betrayal.

"Jen used to say if you and I would just fuck and get it over with we would have been able to move on," he says finally.

"Yes, I'm aware of her theory. Do you think it's true? If we had sex we would have been able to move on?"

He thinks for a moment, and then takes a gulp of his drink. "I think it would have been so amazing we would have never let eachother go," he says softly.

I feel anger bubbling up inside. "So if I'd fucked you, you never would have insisted on going our separate ways?"

"That's not what I mean and you know it," he says gruffly. "Or maybe it is what I mean, but not in the way you're hearing it. Remember that time… We both came and all I did was touch your stomach?"

Oh yes I remember that time. I'd been dating Dawson at the time, only he was two states away so I'm not even sure we actually went on a date. Pacey at come out to school to visit, I'd invoked the 'no touching rule' and Pacey knew to comply. We'd gone out to dinner and I'd come home with a stomach ache. His fingers had softly brushed my stomach and I didn't stop him. His fingers ventured no further than the very top of my underwear and yet somehow I orgasmed. And so did he. We've never spoken of that moment until now. I feel my cheeks flush as I look to his eyes. "Now imagine how sex between us would have been", he says softly, in an intimate tone.

"And so you think we would have been too busy fucking for you to give me your 'if you love something let it go' breakup quote?" I ask, trying not to think about that day; or any other day that involved evidence of just how good it might have been. Trying not to think of how much just his voice makes me want to touch him.

He shrugs his shoulders. "No we probably would have ended up in that exact spot, on the dock, me telling you we needed to live our own lives for a while."

I wait a minute to respond. His pinkie is still pressed against mine. "Why Jen? You knew what our friendship meant to me! Of all the things I regret between us,you choosing her is what I regret the most."

"That's what you regret the most?" He asks, his tone hurt.

"What I regret the most is that my best friend chose to marry a guy who is spending his birthday party she organized for him with his ex girlfriend. I regret the millions of things she and I don't say anymore. This isn't fair Pacey. You broke up with me. You married her. And yet you make me feel like it was my fault? Like I betrayed you because I was in a good mood when I came to visit?" I keep my eyes trained on the pool in front of us, instead of looking at him.

He hangs his head. "We always said we would find our way back to each other."

"No you always said it. I told you I didn't want to be set free. I didn't leave to go live a new life without you. But I tried and I learned. And you obviously learned too."

"I felt like I got on a train and there was just no way off," he says miserably. "One minute Jen and I are drunk, literally falling down drunk, and the next thing I know we are having sex…"

"Yes lots of sex… You told me all about it… In great detail… Because, according to you, when we got back together none of it would matter. I told you it would always matter."

"I remember," he whispers softly. "It was just sex… And then suddenly it wasn't. She wanted what she'd seen me give you. I didn't know how to stop things. I didn't know how to break her heart."

"Funny', I mutter, pausing for dramatic emphasis, "you had no problem breaking mine."

"Yes I could tell I'd broken your heart by how quickly you ran right back to Dawson."

I shrug my shoulders and remove my hand from near his. I slide off the chair and stand up. For a minute I don't speak. What good are words - we could say every word in the English language and still be no closer to finding an answer. Because there wasn't one.

"I'm going to marry him, and not look back. And if you're smart, you're going to go inside to your amazing wife. There's nothing left to say here."

He nods and stands up. "I love you Jo."

A strange noise comes out of my mouth as my heart frantically beats. "We don't say that anymore."

He pulls me against him and leans to my ear. "Just because we don't say it, it doesn't make it any less true."

I press my body against him, our bodies meld into one. I feel myself pushing against him, as if we could just combine ourselves and become whole. This hug isn't sexual, it's us trying to communicate words that haven't been invented yet. I close my eyes knowing this needs to be the end.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," a male voice says testily. We jump apart as if we've just been caught doing something far worse than just a hug.

I raise my eyes to meet Dawson's eyes full of fire and rage, and now it's my turn to hang my head in shame.


	3. Chapter 3

Please review if you're reading.

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"Jen's looking for you, you might want to head inside," Dawson says tightly to Pacey.

Pacey nods his head, looking like a little boy being disciplined. "Thanks for coming tonight Dawson," he says, his voice hopeful.

"I thought… I thought maybe things had changed. But I can see I was wrong… yet again. Happy Birthday Pacey. Your wife is waiting for you." He over enunciates the word wife, and Pacey looks even worse. Pacey throws a helpless glance in my direction, I meet his eyes trying to communicate that he should do what Dawson says. That he needs to go to his wife. Pacey blinks, as if he's recieved my message and nods his head at Dawson and me and heads inside.

Dawson looks at me, shaking his head in disgust. I sit back down on the chair putting my head in my hands. He sits next to me without a word.

"Dawson…" I begin.

"Don't," he says tightly. And then once again there are no words. We can hear everyone inside singing "Happy Birthday" to Pacey. Hard to imagine that the three of us were once so inseparable we spent every birthday together. I wonder if Dawson's thinking the same thing. I wonder if he mourns his lost friendship the way I do mine. Ironic that I expected him to be so understanding when Pacey and I got together, and yet when it's me watching the person I love… loved… in a relationship with my best friend, I suddenly know how he must have felt. I want to tell him this, but I know it will just be empty words.

"He's married," Dawson says finally. "You have a ring on your finger. I thought marriage meant something to you?"

I look down at my ring. I fight the urge to rip off the damn ring and toss it in the pool. "You know it does Dawson. I don't know what you think you saw, but absolutely nothing happened."

Dawson moans, loudly. "Really? You hug all your ex boyfriends like that? Well come on, where's my hug? Jesus Joey, if I had a dollar for every time I heard you say that, I'd be able to pay for your damn wedding. The two of you have always existed in shades of grey. You tell me this, if you came out, and found Colin, hugging his ex, thinking whatever thoughts were going through your head, would you say that was nothing?"

He's got me. It wasn't nothing. Of course it wasn't nothing. And I would never find Colin in this situation, because that's not how he functions. He sees things as black and white, cheating verses not cheating, love verses not love. With him, there's no in-between. He doesn't see these shades of grey, as Dawson so aptly names it.

"Colin knows how it is with him, he trusts me. He isn't possessive, he doesn't let his ego affect how he treats me." Dawson looks over at me with angry eyes, he doesn't appreciate my not so subtle digs.

"That's not the question I asked you Joey." He stands up and looks down at me sadly. "I hoped, that maybe it would be possible for all of us to find our way back from this. I thought I had forgiven you for breaking my heart time after time. But nothing has changed, the two of you still think you get to break as many hearts while you eye fuck across the room. This isn't your epic love story. There are real people here. Including your best friend. And someone else who used to be your best friend.. A long time ago."

"I never meant to hurt you," I say quietly. I know they are useless words, but I don't know what else to say to him. This angry man standing before me who was once my best friend.

"I'm going to tell you something Joey," he takes a deep breath and doesn't speak for a moment. "There's a reason why it never worked with you and him, or you and me. You and I… we had the friendship… we got each other, we could talk and talk for hours. With him… you had the sex, a physical connection. And I know you, you're thinking that somehow you and Pacey missed out on what could have been. But the reality is, you missed out on more of this ridiculous shit the two of you do. It doesn't work. Because you actually want someone who gets you. So move the fuck on."

Dawson abruptly turns and walks away. I stare at him as he walks away. Is he right? I've always assumed if Pacey and Jen hadn't ended up together, if Jen hadn't given him an ultimatum to marry her, he and I would have found our way back together. But maybe Dawson's right? Maybe there's a reason why we failed time after time, why I ran back to Dawson time after time.

So tell me?

How does one move the the fuck does on from someone who they connect so well with? I think about how his pinky felt pressed against mine; and then Jen, and how much love she deserves. I think about Colin, who does get me, who I have the friendship with and some pretty damn good sex. So when we look at each other, it doesn't have the intensity, the heat Pacey and I have, it doesn't mean it isn't good. And really, what is the other option?

Move the fuck on it is.


	4. Chapter 4

Is anyone out there reading this one? Let me know if you are!

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I slink back into the party - focused on hitting the bathroom and then getting the fuck out of there.

"Joey!" a voice exclaims and I look up to see Pacey's sister Gretchen standing in front of me.

"Gretchen, hey," I say feeling a bit awkward as she hugs me with enthusiasm.

"Joey, I've got something I need to talk to you about, can I grab you in a bit?" she asks, a wide smile on her face. The same smile her brother wears.

"I'm actually heading out Gretchen. I'm just heading to the bathroom."

Her smile falters a bit. "Can I walk you home then? Some fresh air would probably do me some good! What the hell does Jen's mom put in these drinks?" she sniffs her drink before taking another gulp of it.

I laugh. "I don't think we want to know. And yes, you can walk me home. I'll grab you once I'm out of the bathroom line."

She nods her head and hands me her drink. "You want this? Looks like the line is long!"

I take her drink and head over to the bathroom line. And find myself standing behind one Jen Lindley. Or Jen Witter now I suppose.

"Joey!" she said her eyes landing on me, a smile on her face. She wraps her arms around me tightly. She is obviously very, very drunk. I don't care, I'm so desperate for her affection that I take it. "Come, sit!" She says dragging me over to the couch. I really have to pee, but I don't care because I need this more.

"You look great Joey!" she says excitedly.

I scan her, suddenly confused. "You look great too… but skinny. Why are you so skinny?" I ask. Jen has always had this amazing body, but she always hated all her curves and was jealous of my angles. She glances over at Pacey and then back to me, her eyes scanning my body.

"I thought…" she begins, her eyes sad. "I think slender is more his type," she says softly.

"Oh Jen!" I cry, unable to keep myself from speaking. "You're everyone's type. If there's something wro…"

"My mother of course is thrilled," she interrupts, her fake voice back on. I've said the wrong thing. "She's nagged me my entire life to lose weight. Now she can't figure out what to nag me about!"

"I noticed she'd been shopping in your wardrobe again," I say, letting the issue drop. She doesn't want to reveal the cracks in her marriage, and I sure don't want to see them.

Jen leans into me, her voice quiet. "My mom slept with Paul last weekend!"

I feel my jaw drop. "No stop!" I say laughing with her. "Oh God, well he was definitely sniffing around again."

She laughs and then shyly looks at me. "I've missed you Jo!" She reaches out her hand and takes mine, turning it to see the ring.

"So he finally proposed. And you haven't bolted yet. I"m happy for you Joey."

"Jen… I know… I know things are what they are… but if you wanted to I would love you to be a part of my wedding… as a maid of honor… as a bridesmaid…"

She smiles softly, sadly. "Jo…. I can't."

I nod my head slowly. "I get it."

"Pacey and I are moving to Florida anyway. So we won't be around for me to be part of your wedding party."

"You're what?" I exclaim in shock. Seems like relevant information he could have mentioned!

"I guess he didn't get to tell you that during your intimate talk outside," she says tightly. Her eyes are still warm, as if I've wandered into a trap.

"Jen," I say, maintaining eye contact. "Nothing happened."

She lets out a noise, a combination of a snort and a laugh. "You forget Joey Potter, I've seen your soul."

I inhale sharply. She may as well have slapped me. Those were our words of love to each other, our friendship. I quickly wipe away the tears I feel running down my face. She looks down at her hands, she knows she has gone too far. She reaches out and grabs my hands, and holds them tightly.

"I won't miss your wedding for the world. No matter what… I will be there." she says fiercely.

I nod my head, as she slowly lets go of my hands. She tucks her blonde hair behind her ears and stands up. "I've got to get going… I've got to give the birthday boy his birthday blow job." She casually winks at me as she stands. I've got it Jen, you've won. I watch sadly as she walks away, over towards Pacey. I see her whisper in his ear and he laughs. And then I watch as he follows her up the stairs away from the party. I'm physically unable to move for a minute or two. I just sit there in shock.

"Joey! You make it to that bathroom yet?" Gretchen asks, appearing in front of me. I shake my head and try to swallow my sob. She reaches down and pulls me to my feet. "Let's get out of here."

I follow her out the door, not looking back.

"He never should have married her," Gretchen says casually as I squat behind a tree in Jen's front yard. I pull my pants up and walk back over to her.

"I think I'm going to stay silent on the matter," I say tightly. I love Gretchen, and I know she's always had my back, but I still feel like I always need to watch what I say when I'm around her.

"You know Joey, you staying silent is what got you three into this mess."

I'm quiet for a minute until I can find the words I want to say. "I wasn't silent. I told him I wanted to stay together. I told him that going our own separate ways would never lead back to each other. I only became silent when I discovered he was sleeping with my best friend. And what was there to say then Gretchen? Because from that point on, my only action was to be silent or to break her heart."

"God he's such a moron," Gretchen says as she rolls her eyes. 'I need to tell you something Joey."

I stop walking and look at her, sensing that it's serious.

"She cheated on him. I caught a guy leaving her room while Pacey was house hunting in Florida last month. She didn't deny it. She just muttered something about there being all types of cheating." Gretchen looks pointedly at me when she says this.

"She wouldn't," I say softly. But I don't know this anymore, I don't know anything about her anymore.

"I couldn't tell him."

"It doesn't change anything," I say as a I shrug my shoulders, a brief glimmer of hope forming. But hope for what?

"So listen," Gretchen says as we start walking. "Jack mentioned you were looking for an apartment.'

"I just really feel like I need to live on my own before I get married." I want to tell her maybe I need an excuse to procrastinate marrying Colin, but I"m not even sure that's true. I just need the overwhelming panic to go away when I think about the wedding. When I think about agreeing to forever.

Gretchen grins. "So it just so happens that my roomate is moving out and I need someone to take her room."

I pause for a moment. Gretchen's place would actually be perfect. Right near my job and not too far from Colin. But….

"Joey, it's not like Pacey and I hang out. And they are moving to Florida anyway. The rent is dirt cheap, and I know it's right near your work. Please say yes Joey!" Gretchen begs, putting her hands together in prayer.

I nod my head hesitantly. "I'll think about it."

She grins. "That sounds suspiciously like a yes. I've got to head back to this stupid party, but I'll give you a call tomorrow to beg you more."

She hugs me and then turns to walk back to Jen's house. I look towards my sister's door and instead find myself walking to the end of the dock. The place where Pacey and I began… and ended.

I sit there staring at the water as I replay the night back. Replay his eyes… no scratch that, I refuse to play back how he looks at me. Move on. Move on. I repeat it over and over as if it's a mantra. His lips. Move on. His smile. Move on.

"Hey Potter."

And then suddenly he's next to me.


	5. Chapter 5

I've really been struggling with the ability to get things down on paper (or you know... computer). The thing that helps me most with this is when I randomly find reviews in my email! So please keep reviewing if you'd like to read more.

"Done your birthday blow job so soon?" I ask harshly.

He winces and looks at me like a wounded puppy as he slowly lowers himself onto the dock next to me.

"So what? You got your rocks off and then thought you should come on over and rub salt in the wound?" My voice doesn't sound like mine when I speak.

He sighs. "She told me she told you about Florida," he says softly.

I picture Jen, knowing she's won, telling him to come say goodbye to me. I don't quite get it, is she trying to hurt me or trying to help?

"Seems like relevant info?" I offer, struggling to keep my voice neutral.

"Tell me what you want me to do Jo. Tell me the answer… because to be perfectly honest… I'm feeling a bit lost." he say wearily.

"She loves you. You are married to her. Seems to me the answer should be clear." I shrug

"And yet it's not. Because we aren't talking about who I love… or who you do." He holds my eyes when he speaks, as if the answer is written on my face.

"The thing is Pace, you do love her. You've always loved her. It might not be the love we had, but it's love just the same. You want to paint her as the bad guy, or me. But you made your choice. And I think if I were to tell you to leave her for me, you'd find it much harder to end than you think."

He's silent for a moment. Because I'm right. "But it doesn't matter, because that's not what you're going to tell me, is it?" his voice breaks as he speaks, and he hangs his head.

God I hate him. I hate her. It's so unfair of him to put me here. The decider of all of our fates.

"No matter what I say here, it doesn't change the fact that it's over. It's been over for a long time. I just.. I can't see a path to a happy ending here - can you?"

"I guess not," he sighs. We sit silent for what seems like forever, neither of us looking at each other, neither or us speaking.

He abruptly stands up and extends his hand out to help me up. I stand up without his help and he tucks his hand in his pocket.

"So… so I guess the next time I see you it will be at your wedding?" He asks, his face pained.

"Oh," I say softly. The gravity of all of this suddenly hitting me. "Right."

He takes a step towards me and I find myself stepping back away from him. He clears his throat and opens his mouth and then closes it again. Words were never our strong suit. We stare at each other, but for once our eyes have no words.

"Good lucky Pacey," I say finally, because someone has to speak.

"You too," he says shoving his hands in his pocket. He turns and starts walking away. I intend to let him, but my mouth seems to have a mind of its own.

"Dawson said we never would have worked. That you don't get me," I call after him. He spins around and squints at me, his eyes hurt.

'And what do you think?"

"I think if you got me, it would be your ring on my finger, our wedding I'd be planning," I say with a shaky voice. But as I look into his eyes, I know that's not true. "Or maybe not. Maybe you'd never have proposed, because I certainly never would have given you an ultimatum. I obviously don't get you either. Because I would have thought you'd never be with someone who controlled you like that. And yet here we stand, you married to her." I'm trying to not think of Jen as the bad guy here, to not hate her ultimatums. It's not the ultimatums I hate, it's their outcome.

"You always had control over me," he says softly.

"Bullshit!" I exclaim, spreading my arms wide and taking a step towards him, a renewed anger in my soul. "You broke up with me because you couldn't see moving to Boston while I was in school? And yet you move to Florida with her? You break up with me because you don't want to hold me back, and yet you marry her? I never had any control over you. Stop making it sound like this was my fault. Stop making me the bad guy! You chose this life."

"You could have had anything you wanted! All you ever had to do was ask. Don't you get it Jo, I would have done anything for you. I thought I was doing right by you. I thought you should get to have your college experience without being attached to me. But if you had ever just asked, I would have stayed!" He says sadly.

"Don't you get it? I want to not have to ask. I just want you to want." My voice trails off as I stare at him.

"Want what?" He asks spreading his arms in confusion.

"What you want! I don't want you to want what I want, or what Jen wants, or what you think people want. I want you to want," I cry.

"Ironically all I've ever wanted is you," he says hoarsely. His eyes still seeking mine hopefully.

I shrug my shoulders. "If you really only ever wanted me, then why are we standing here? You married to someone else. You want to pretend that's the story, go for it. But Pacey, your actions speak louder than words."

He sighs again. He's getting good at this whole sighing thing."So, I guess that's all there is to say. I'll see you at your wedding then?" he squints at me, and I'm surprised to see that there's tears in his eyes.

"I guess so," I say defiantly. The confidence I'm projecting not matching the distinct feeling of my already broken heart breaking just a little bit more.

He nods his head and walks away, head hanging and shoulders slumped. I wait until I can't see him anymore and then I feel my body crumble. Long stored sobs take over my body as I curl up on the dock in fetal position. Despite the fact that he's been married for almost a year, I realize it's quite possible that we hadn't broke up until just now.


End file.
